The Broken Spirit

Grant stared out the window of his office, It offered him a beautiful view of the makeshift ice skating rink by city hall. He saw the couples and other families enjoying their Christmas holiday. It was a beautiful view, but it depressed him. Grant knew that he should have been happy, he had a successful business, friends an family that loved him, but he had never been more miserable. He had no Christmas spirit anymore. Turning away from the window he sat back down at his desk. He didn’t want to focus on his pain so instead he focused on his work. As he worked he heard some of his coworkers getting ready to leave.

“Hey Grant! Its almost Christmas! Quit working for a second, come out with us tonight!” Grant’s coworker Charlie called from the hallway

“Hey Charlie, thanks for thinking of me, but I’m swamped. I’m gonna stay in tonight.” Grant responded in a deflated voice

“I’ll meet you guys downstairs, Grant, can I come in?” Charlie asked standing in the doorway of Grant’s office.

“Uh sure, what’s up Charlie?” Grant asked

“I noticed you haven’t been yourself lately, I mean none of us like being here, but lately its like you’re a shadow of yourself.” Charlie began

“It’s just, I’ve got a lot on my mind. I’m just using work so I can have something to focus on.” Said Grant trying to deflect

“What is it? What’s on your mind? I want to help,” Charlie prodded

“Look I appreciate you looking out, it’s problems at home. I’ll be alright. I have up and down days. Look, I’ll finish up then I’ll meet you guys. Cool?” Grant asked

“Alright, I guess I’ll see you then.” Charlie said leaving the office

Grant wondered if Charlie knew him well enough to know that he was lying. In truth, Grant was an extreme introvert, and he found being around people draining. That was until he met Elsie, she was perfect. She made him want to be better than he was. It took him three dates and he knew he wanted to spend his entire life with her. They had been together for a long time, he thought that time wouldn’t end, then she broke up with him.  Admittedly it had been a shock to Grant, sure Elsie had come to him with problems but Grant had always thought that they were having the normal growing pains that all couples go through, but now as he looked down the barrel of going home to his now empty apartment Grant painfully came to realize that their problems were worse than he thought.

As he worked, Grant’s vision began to blur. Thinking about Elise had made him cry. Grant decided to quit while he was ahead. He shut down his computer and left the office. Coming out into the city, Grant noticed the clouds in the air, It looked like there’d be a white Christmas after all. Last year around this time, the concept would excite Grant, he loved the snow but this year he couldn’t have cared less. He walked to the bar where his coworkers were. He contemplated going in, getting so drunk that he was numb, But he didn’t. Grant wasn’t ready to be around people. Instead, he just wandered around the city. It was late, so it was quiet, it was peaceful. He could be alone with his thoughts out here. As he wandered, he ended up outside of an art exhibit. Grant remembered this place; he and Elsie had decided to come here on a whim. Grant had found it to be a transformative experience, and Elsie had never looked more beautiful to him.

What followed was Grant sending himself on sort of a mourning tour of the city. He would visit places he had taken Elsie on dates before, where they had made happy memories, the ghosts of which would slowly eat away at him until he felt his eyes start to water again. Grant wondered to himself, if he was a good enough partner, if he could have done more so his relationship didn’t end

Eventually the pain became too much to bear and Grant stumbled home where he would try and sleep, but without Elsie sleep had become harder these days. For Grant this walk home had been the hardest of his life, he felt like a child who got in trouble at school and knew their parents were home. A deep foreboding dogged his every step and by the time he made it home, Grant felt as though there was a thousand-pound weights wrapped around his legs. Grant sat outside his apartment building for a while, he knew what awaited him, but he still wasn’t ready to face it. As he sat, Grant remembered better times

“I don’t know Grant; this seems really big. Especially if its just going to be the two of us.” Elsie said apprehensively

“Aw don’t be like that babe! Think of it as an investment in the future!” Grant said excitedly wanting to convince her

“The future? And what exactly is that?” Elsie said coyly

“The future is you and I living an amazing life together, and us not being so alone in the future.” Grant said rubbing her stomach

“What’re you rubbing there for? Nothing’s gonna be in there but food you silly man, I don’t even know if I like you all that much.”

“Well, I know I love you. You’re amazing, and I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with you.” Grant said caressing her cheek

“Ok, I guess that’s enough for now. Let’s get this place.” Elsie acquiesced

That had been a good day, moving in had been fun, Grant thought it was going to be the start of the rest of he and Elsie’s life together. But everything went wrong, and now he was sitting here, depressed and afraid to go into his apartment, some future right? Before he got anymore depressed, Grant got up and walked into the building.

Grant got into the elevator and braced himself for the night ahead. Maybe he’d get drunk. So, drunk his problems would disappear. Grant thought about that, but he knew better. If he drank himself into a stupor, his problems would just come back. Then he would further have to deal with whatever he did while he was drunk. No, he would just sleep. Or try to anyway.

Grant laid awake for several hours, and when he did sleep, he tossed and turned looking for Elsie. being with her always calmed his mind. But now he was alone in his bedroom, surrounded by the pictures and other things that reminded him of her. Where once they filled him with a sense of joy and love for Elsie, now they just caused him agony. He couldn’t sleep here. It hurt too much without her.

Grant got up from bed and walked into the living room, the pictures on the wall whispered incessantly to him, singing of a love now gone. He came to the last picture, It was of him as a child. Back then, his Christmases were never good. Grant had grown up in a well-off household, but is parents didn’t want to be bothered. Most of his formative years were spent with various nannies then as soon as they were able, he was carted off to a boarding school. Out of sight, out of mind. His first Christmases there were difficult most kids got various gifts and care packages from their families, but Grant was always left out. That all changed one day, He woke up on Christmas as usual and expected nothing, But that year, there had been a box at the foot of his bed.

“From Santa.” Grant said skeptically   

Grant looked around, at first he figured that one of his classmates, or a teacher, or the headmaster had taken some pity on him. But nobody could explain it. And the gifts never stopped. For years, there was always a present at the foot of his bed, always from Santa, and it was always what he needed most. In a miserable childhood it was an island of happiness.

These memories made Grant love Christmas. He spent time driving around neighborhoods looking at Christmas lights, volunteering at shelters. Then when he met Elsie he invited her to enjoy Christmas with him, He had some of his happiest with her cuddled on the couch looking at Christmas movies and drinking hot chocolate, In his mind he envisioned the two of them doing this until they were old and surrounded by their children and grandchildren. Though now as he sat in his apartment, without any decorations or Elsie, it highlighted just how out of Christmas spirit he was.

Grant turned on the tv, one of his favorite Christmas movies was on. Even though his spirits were low, seeing the movie bought a measure of joy to his heart. By the end of it he was drunk, and he was feeling festive. Before he knew it, he was in the kitchen making cookies, he wasn’t sure why. But it was fun, It made him feel the way he felt when Elsie was still here.  He was in the kitchen humming Christmas carols to himself, Then he heard bells. He didn’t think much of it, maybe he had left the tv on. It didn’t matter, he needed this. He needed to focus on something or he knew the darkness of his emotions would come back. He would make his cookies, drink more wine, and he would have a merry Christmas. Or he would die of alcohol poisoning, either way it would stop him thinking about Elsie, about how much he missed her, about how much his heart hurt without her in it. Grant finished up his cookies, then gathered them up to go back and watch more Christmas movies. Of course, he nearly dropped them when he saw a man in his living room.

“Hello Grant.” He said not looking away from the tv

“What do you mean hello? How the hell did you get in here? Did you break in?” Grant shouted angrily

“Look Grant, I need you to calm down. Go check your door, I didn’t break in.”

Grant did as he was asked, not taking his eyes off the stranger. Who felt familiar to Grant, though he couldn’t understand why.

“Well, If you didn’t break in, who are you? How did you get in here?” Grant asked tensely

“Come on Grant, first of all look at what I’m wearing. Second I know your name, there’s only a few people I can be. I see your face; you know who I am. Just say it.” the stranger said

“Santa? But that’s impossible Santa isn’t real.” Grant said incredulously

“Your first Christmas at the school, I sent you a box of sweets, the year after that? A skateboard, the year after that, I sent you a trunk full of new clothes. Your first razor. Those were all me.” Santa said flatly

“For all these years I thought it was a teacher at the school. But it was all you?” Grant said in shock.

“It was, as you grew, I gave you what you needed. I let you think it was a teacher because I figured it would be easier for you than being a boy locked in a school with other boys and you still believed in Santa.” Santa said taking a cookie

“Well, why are you here now? As you can see, there is no Christmas here this year.” Grant said waving his hands around the apartment dismissively

“You called me and I came Grant. I can see in you heart that you needed me. So here I am.” Santa said, eating another cookie

“But how did I call you? I didn’t put up any decorations or anything.” Grant said

“That’s the point Grant, people think that when they become adults I stop watching them, but I don’t. I always keep an eye on all of my kids. Its just that the older you get the less you notice my powers because I save the majority of them for actual children.” Santa began

“Well, if that’s the case, how does your magic work exactly. And more to the point how does it effect adults? Especially ones who no longer write letters?” Grant asked

“It’s a tithing system. The more people that believe the stronger my magic is. As for your second question, as you get older my gifts become more like concepts.” Saint said

“Can you give me an example? This is pretty interesting actually” Grant said, taking a cookie of his own

“It simple, let’s say a married couple is trying to conceive I’ll use my magic to make them more fertile. Stuff like that.” Santa said

Well that brings me back to my original question, why are you here, Santa? There’s only one thing I want for Christmas, and I can guarantee that you can’t get Elsie to love me again.” Grant said, his words laced with bitterness

“That’s why I’m here. It seems like you need somebody to talk to, I saw you with Elsie, how happy she made you. I also noticed how faraway she was gradually getting from you.” Santa began

“What do you mean?” Grant said sadly

“Her heart didn’t want the same things anymore. In her mind, she feels like this is better for the both of you.” Santa said putting his hand on the younger man’s shoulder

“But I tried, I tried to be the best version of myself for her. I’d have done anything to save our relationship, I’d give anything for her to come back through the door. Why wasn’t I good enough?” Grant asked beginning to weep

“You were good enough, in order to heal from this, you have to embrace that. You did your best. You weren’t perfect, but you did the best you could do.” Santa said, hugging Grant tightly

“But if I had done more, or changed, more, maybe she wouldn’t have left.” Grant said exasperated

“Come on now, Grant. You’re smarter than that. If you’d have tried to mold yourself to be exactly what Elsie wanted, It wouldn’t have worked and neither of you would have been happy together.” Santa intoned

“Maybe I’d rather live with neither of us being happy than having to live without her. Maybe we’d come around eventually.” Grant said desperately

“Grant, that wouldn’t be fair to either of you. Plus, I know with how much you love Elsie, you want her happy. I know it hurts now, but this will pass. And if she loves you, she’ll come back.” Santa said attempting to console Grant

“Yeah, that’s easy for you to say! Mrs. Claus didn’t leave you did she?” Grant shouted angrily

“She, did actually.” Santa responded

“What do you mean?” Grant asked, surprised

“She didn’t leave me in the conventional sense. No, but she is gone. And everyday without her is agony.” Santa said sadly

“What happened?” Grant asked

“We were together for years, and it was bliss. But one day she fell ill, there was nothing magic or science could do, I stayed by her bedside as often as I could, and then one day she was gone. The North Pole has been a little colder ever since.” Santa said, with tears streaming down his face

“Oh my god, I’m sorry Santa. That’s horrible. How have you been dealing with it?” Grant asked

“I don’t think I have been. For most of the year I sleep, then around the holidays I bury myself in work, but there’s no cheer in the factory anymore, it’s all just formulaic. In more ways than one I’ve been dealing with my loss the same as you, by not dealing with it at all. I bury myself in my work because facing my pain is too unbearable a prospect.” Santa said, bitterly biting into a cookie

“So, what do we do now? It’s clear that neither of us is emotionally in a good place, so how do you think we can fix it?” Grant asked

“I have an idea.” Santa said with the ghost of a smile creeping onto his face

“Lay it on me.” Grant said excitedly

“Well, I have to get back to work. Would you like to join me?” Santa asked

“You want me to help you deliver presents?” said Grant his inner child bubbling to the surface

“Sure, I figure we can continue our talk. My flights tend to get lonely, and my mind goes to dark places. I’m sure you feel the same sometimes.” Santa said, getting up to stretch

“I do, how did you know?” Grant asked getting dressed

“It’s my job, remember?” Santa said, smiling

As the two men got into the sleigh, Grant felt his Christmas spirit returning for the first time. Santa had been right, talking with someone had helped tremendously. Did he still miss Elsie? Most definitely, but for the first time Grant felt hopeful that things would be ok and that he would heal eventually, and for him? That was the greatest gift he could ever ask for.